Confessions about The Baby

I'm pregnant.  This is one thing I never imagined. I did imagine having to tell a partner that I was pregnant, but I never imagined the actual being pregnant part.  It's...weird.  There is a growing human being inside of me.  It's both miraculous and totally creepy at the same time.  I am impressed by the camaraderie I feel with other women and this thing that only our bodies can do.

We found out that it's a boy.  I think before I knew, I was able to have more distance from the baby.  It was just a thing I had to go to the doctor for.  But now, it's more of a person.  It's a him.  It's our son. (!!)  And sometimes I can feel him doing flips....or whatever babies do that feel flippy.  I wonder now what he will be like and who this is coming to us.

I am not looking forward to the getting-way-bigger that is about to happen.  I feel pretty good right now.  I feel healthy and cute-pregnant.  I can still do most things I want to do without too much trouble (although on Sunday, The Mister had to strap my shoes on for me).  But I read in a book recently that the baby will triple in size for the rest of the pregnancy.  I can't even imagine how there is room for my belly to triple in size.  And this will be happening in summer.  Oh dear.  At least I will not be working and can focus on preparations.

The original very-real terror has passed.  I am excited to meet him.  Now if I even knew where to begin when it comes to a name...or how to take care of a baby.

Random late night thoughts

Last night during one of my many trips to the bathroom (because, you know, pregnant) I thought of the kidnapped Nigerian girls.  I don't know why, but in the dark of the night the saddness of them hit me full force.  I felt guilty that I was in this safe, warm house to sleep in and their freedom was ripped from them by evil and deception.  The heaviness of this world wears at me sometimes.  I hope those girls are saved.

Moving

We just moved.  We bought a house in the next town over and we spent the whole weekend moving.  The house is on a quiet street in a quiet neighborhood (so far).  It has a lovely tree in the front yard and the right amount of bedrooms.  However.

I hate moving, and moving while pregnant is worse.  My feet hurt pretty bad by the end of the day and I got tired more quickly.  I also kept wondering what I should lift and what I shouldn't.

We still have a couple loads to get at the old house.  You know the random stuff that piles up in a house you don't really need to survive, but you can't really throw away?  That's the stuff that's left.  It's made me think a lot about how to simplify my life.  All this stuff is merely stuff.  I want less of it.  Except for books.

Moving takes weeks and months to do.  I've decided that my strategy is to do a room at a time.  I can handle that.  When I think about everything we need to do for the whole house, I freak.  But one room I can do.  So on Tuesday night, I got our bedroom together.  Yesterday, I got the kitchen in order.  Today?  Hopefully I can get to the living room.  I think this strategy should apply to my life in general.  When I have it presentable, I'll post pictures.

How the books I read are changing

I have always loved books.  They are like going home for me.  I love nothing more than to disappear into a book for hours.  Books are the only thing I like skipping sleep for.  As a child, I always read fiction.  Always.  Non-fiction was boring.  But the past few years, that has been changing.  I am increasingly drawn to real life.  Here are the books I want to add to my shelves as soon as possible:

The Psychopath Whisperer by Kent A. Kiehl  (What can I say?  I have a dark side.)

Gulp by Mary Roach  (I read her book Stiff, and I loved it.  I want more books that make me want to hurl.)

I still read fiction.  I just finished Divergent, and enjoyed it for what it was.  But lately, it's non fiction that really gets me excited.  

Some honesty

Yesterday there was some drama with the ex. We work really hard to maintain a good relationship with her, but every once in a while when she's having a bad day, the mister gets the brunt of it. And then I get the brunt of it. I really don't like when this happens. She seems to have the power to ruin a whole evening.

In these moments,  one of my first reactions is escape. I just want to get away, or I daydream about my life before.  I tell myself that I should move away to Paris.  I wonder (again) whether I was stupid to sign up for this life. You only live once, right? Life should be more fun than this feels.

These are all excuses, of course. Life wouldn't be better  somewhere else. I am blessed with work. I am blessed in my husband and kids. There are ways to create space and freedom without running away. Learning to take back my power in the face of someone who I've given it to continues to be my present life's lesson. This is how I get stronger. I should think of it as emotional and spiritual weight training.

Gotta start again somewhere, I guess.

Wow.  I don't even think I've looked at this thing since last May.  Since then, I spent half my summer with the girls.  We went to Mesa Verde and Yellowstone.  We went to Lagoon.  We watched some TV.  You know, the usual.

And now another school year has begun.  This year, the school feels much better than it did last.  I feel more put together.  I feel more conscious and purposeful in this whirlwind of a career I have.

Today, the Mister's grandparents are moving out.  Almost a year ago, we moved in with them so we could be closer to the girls.  And now, they're moving to their daughter's house in Texas.  This is a bittersweet thing.  They have taken such good care of us.  They welcomed us in.  They fed us.  And they loved us.  I feel particularly attached to his grandfather.  He's such a good man.

So when I get home today, we will have the house to ourselves. We will be there temporarily, but even so I can begin to decorate and organize it the way I'd like.  And the thought of that makes me just a bit giddy.  I feel so grateful.  Life is good.

I'll try to hang around these parts a bit more, ok?

Updates on changes of plan

1.  I've decided to stay in my present job.  I realized that I was giving my power away to authority in an attempt to avoid conflict. Which would result in feeling really resentful and powerless.  So I'm learning to take my power back and face conflict rather than run away from it.  Plus, my department here really is amazing.  For all of the flaws in our school, I couldn't ask for a better Language Arts department.  Seriously.

2.  We didn't get in to the St. George Marathon.  I'm sad...and a little relieved. I suddenly remembered how much running you have to do when you're training for a marathon and became a little tired at the thought. The Mister is mostly just sad.  He really took off on this idea of running and I've been so impressed by him.  We're talking about another fitness goal we'd like to do instead.

3.  Our second realtor contract has run out and our condo has still not sold.  So we're switching to plan B and looking for a renter.  This was not my preferred plan as I'd rather just be rid of the thing, but c'est la vie. It's less definite and clean cut this way, but we're lucky to be living somewhere else rent free for the time being while we figure out a new way to do finances.

It seems that we're being taught how to go with the flow and let go of what we thought things should look like.