Letting go.

I thought that I did a good job of being zen during the planning of our wedding. I wasn't totally frazzled. I felt mostly calm. I had days or weeks where there were a lot of details to take care of, and it was overwhelming at times, but mostly I think I got through without turning into bridezilla. I had a couple good cries late at night in the privacy of my bedroom or The Mister's arms, and no one (I think) took the brunt of it. I win.

That said, one lingering detail from the wedding stuck out like a sore thumb. I felt it wasn't good enough; they demanded money anyway, etc etc. Yesterday they insulted me, I said my piece in response, and I finally just paid the money.

This situation has really been bugging me. It still does. I feel trapped by the situation. (I know I'm being vague, but the internet is no place to vent the details. Take me to hot chocolate, and I'll totally spill.) I felt the other party lacked professionalism and personal responsibility. They took advantage of their position. And when they (unfairly) insulted me, my temper flared like a pyre all night long.

And then I ask myself why I care this much. It's one tiny detail that no longer matters in the slightest. The wedding is over. Why do I need to be right about this? Why can't I just let it go?

The sad, sorry answer: I love control, and I'm a perfectionist. Sigh. I hate when I remember those things about myself. Also, I feel angry and guilty when I speak up for myself. I am haunted by it for days afterward. It's like I'm waiting for my father to come to my room and spank me for talking back. I hate that too.

And so I continue on my quest to let more go, to forgive more completely, to have more fun, and to take more deep breaths.