I knew, of course, that there would be times he would bug me or that we wouldn't see eye to eye on something. But my love for him would overcome my frailties and I would always be calm and sweet and loving. We had chosen one another and that meant that always being kind and gracious was of utmost importance.
That was until I discovered the days where EVERY SINGLE THING HE DID/SAID MADE ME WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. (It's ok if he reads this. He already knows.) Of course, I don't punch him in the face. I don't even yell at him really. But I do get pretty passive aggressive and withdrawn and sarcastic with him. Which isn't good. To his credit, he rarely rages back. He usually tries to soften around my rage and bring me back down. The one time he shut down too was a bad night for both of us. We'd like to not go there again.
I don't know where the rage comes from. I hate those days, and I hate myself on those days. I haven't had a lot of them, but I have had a handful. (Yesterday was one.) I like to fancy myself pretty self aware, but I still haven't entirely figured out what is going on. My brain fights with me the whole time I'm raging. I say to myself, "Self, this is the man you love and adore. Maybe you should just relax because he didn't do anything."
My ego replies, "YES! HE DID! He didn't help me with the dishes or clean the bathroom without being asked or be home when I thought he'd be and..." blah blah blah. It creates a long list of real and imagined injuries by both him and others and why I deserve to be angry and bitchy.
Here are my theories at this point:
1. Some work stress is leaking home and I'm taking it out on him.
2. We are still working out whose responsibilites are whose and how/when we get those things done.
3. I (as I've stated) like things the way I like them and can be a bit of a perfectionist. He, meanwhile, is laid back. Everything is an emergency to me and nothing is to him. This difference is both very good for me and infuriating to me at the same time.
4. I'm not taking enough time for myself. I think I need some alone time to recharge. Or perhaps simply some down time, whether or not I'm alone. If I go straight from work to dinner to errands without at least 30 minutes to relax, it catches up with me and I become The Incredible Hulk.
Advice? Anyone?
Take a midol, eat a cupcake and stop over thinking everything. We get grumpy. Laugh about it. Makes it all better.
ReplyDeleteNano used to tell me the same thing. If I could get my brain to just shut down, I wouldn't need this blog. Writing it all out is how I get over the grumpy. Midol and cupcakes don't work for me.
DeleteBut I agree with the sentiment. Laughing more often is the goal.
Oh, this is a common thread around here. I pick fights instead of addressing the real issue...and then I'm quick to be self aware and realize my mistake but JR is still stuck on the shitty stuff I said to him at the beginning...and I can't blame him...just because I'm quick to feel crappy for being mean doesn't mean he has to be quick at feeling uncrappy about the things I said. The most important part is that you don't let each other get away with whatever game it is you play. I just wish I knew how to stop getting bugged at like 11:30 at night when we're too tired to fight well...and that "it's ok to go to bed angry" stuff people tried to tell me at my wedding only works if I'm far too gone with tiredness to not obsess over it and keep myslf awake. I can't sleep when I'm wired!sorry for the book on your page...I guess it's time to write in my own blog?
ReplyDeleteAh, marriage. I thought I was the most laid back person in the world and then suddenly I am finding all kind of things to butt heads with my husband on and feel my heels digging in over ridiculous issues. He's more opinionated than I am, so I find myself doing it out of spite, because I don't want him getting his way all the time even though I really DONT CARE about the stupid issue. I don't think there is a way to avoid it altogether but as time goes on and the more you listen to your brain that is telling you that you are not being fair, the better you get at redirecting yourself and your counterpart gets at responding to you when you hit that limit. We have had several discussions/arguments that go something like this: "You know how when you are hungry and tired you get all grumpy and I just stay out of your way and help you get what you need? Well when I get that way over my own issues, I need you to have a little patience with me and give me a little space or maybe not push a subject that I am obviously not going to have a productive attitude towards at that moment." Which seems like the most basic common sense, but emotions and sharing a life and space have a way of making common sense go out the window sometimes. I think it is balancing not letting each other get away with behavior but also helping the other to come down from their rage, reading what they need.
ReplyDelete