I don't quite know what to write right now.

I'm using this summer to let my internal dialogue run free.  So I'm always thinking and feeling my way through this change.  There are really hard days with the girls where I end it crying.  And there are really fun days where these girls make me laugh all day.  But it all feels so new and soft that I don't really want to splay  my dialogue here.  

I spend the weeks without the girls mostly relaxing and canoodling my husband when he gets home from work.  

Yesterday something in me clicked for the better, I think.  I made myself go running last night.  I haven't run since Ragnar, and my running before Ragnar was the bare minimum so as to not die during it. On the run I was thinking about how I've been allowing myself a lot of excuses concerning my own health for the last year and a half. My life has undergone some pretty major transitions that have been simultaneously exciting and terrifying. I think I've resorted to survival mode to figure my way through them. I can't do that anymore. First, I have nothing to fear. I need to let go of the fear. Second, all these daily choices will add up to my future, and I want more than where my present choices will get me. I'm worth the hour of exercise (among other things) that gives me far more than it takes. Whether it be running or something new, I'm recommitting to me. It'll make thriving in my new life much more fun.