Change

There are days like yesterday when the full scale of what I've taken on weigh heavy on me. One year ago I spent my nights alone. I spent entire weekends full of silence, relaxation, (and loneliness). And now? I have a husband, 3 step daughters, and a dog. I have in laws with opinions about who I am and what I do (mostly good, I think). My circle has widened considerably. Learning how to handle that is a task for an introvert like me.

My husband is still working his way through school and working a full time job. My 600 square foot condo won't sell, so we either spend the weekends at his parents or crammed in my little condo. I worry about money and making ends meet like I never have. I worry about how to house train a puppy. I worry about how much to say to the girls when they're being mean to each other. There are simply more worries than I've ever had before.

It's a challenge trying to figure out what to feed them. I feel like I finally have the mental space again, with no wedding to plan, to focus on eating well. How much of that do I foist on them? Most of the time I don't even know how to make a meal (other than spaghetti or chicken nuggets) for a family anyway.

Then with all of that is the stuff I cared about before. Eating right. Exercise. Women's rights. How to do my hair. Being a quality teacher. Which makeup to buy. Spirituality. Therapy.

It's a lot. Big change. I sometimes feel helpless in its wake.

I knew I was marrying all of this. But there are some days where it feels more like a burden than others.

Here's the magic that makes it all ok. First, My husband GETS it. He gets me. He understands that it's a huge change, and when I have hard days he just holds me and tells me it will be ok, and he's never going anywhere. He gives me credit for everything that I've handled well. HE helps more than anything. It is sometimes paradoxical that the person who brought all the change is also the one who makes it all worth figuring out.

Second, learning to let go of perfectionism helps greatly. I'm learning that it doesn't matter if the condo isn't in perfect order or the kids have a couple less than stellar meals or I'm not the best teacher of all time. I am doing the best I can, and that's all that's required of me.

Third, it's all about my perspective. I can think of it as heavy or a burden - or I can be endlessly grateful for a family and three sweet, funny girls. There are more people to love and be loved by. I can worry non-stop or I can just effing relax. I get to choose how I feel and act while on this path-altering change.