I feel restless in my work, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm hoping I'll figure something out by writing it down.
I'm in my 9th year of teaching. That's a long time to do one thing. The longer I've been here, the more responsibility I've gotten. I wear many hats in my job because I've proven myself responsible and capable. I've built a reputation among the students that I'm cool but firm. I work with a lot of amazing people who inspire me every day. Overall, I'm in a great gig.
I loved this job with all my heart when I started. Every day was a blast. I barely noticed how tough it was because it was such a rush. And there are still days where I'm able to make a connection with one or two of my 180 students and it's all worth it. However, as responsibilities have multiplied and the system's problems have become more apparent, I've been spread more thin in time and emotion. I feel like I can't do anything well because I'm doing too much. It's very discouraging.
And I've acquired other passions along the way. If I started college right now, would I still choose to become a teacher? Or would I become a nutritionist? Or find some way to make a difference in women's rights? Or go into therapy or teaching yoga?
My contentment with my job goes in waves. Some weeks I think I can keep doing this. Other weeks I'm so disillusioned that I daydream all day about doing something else. I try to convince myself that teaching is the kind of job that I can reinvent. It can be as new as I want it to be.
But I must admit to this itch to do something new, something different, something exciting. I'd like to feel successful at what I'm doing and teaching is a never ending, uphill battle. I will never feel I'm doing enough. There's too much need. Is this just a case of the grass is greener somewhere else? Would I actually be willing to give up my summers? And what would I even do? Teaching is all I've ever wanted. It was my dream.
Is this all made worse by my recent marriage and it's many responsibilities and changes? Do I just wait this all out and see how I feel on the other side? I just worry that I'm going to waste away years of my life in a job that I'm not loving as much we both deserve. I know there's a time for just waiting and seeing and a time for action. I want to be happy and I want to do what I came here to do. I'm just not sure what that is right now, I guess.
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