Before I got married, I felt confident. My life had a rhythym and predictability. I knew who I was: an intelligent, motivated woman who would probably never get married. I was comfortable in that identity; I was cozy there.
In the last year, that's all been turned on its head. And you would think that finally having a man desire you to the point that he chooses you would only increase that confidence. But that's not been my experience. All the transition has unseated me to the point that my self-doubt has been increasing. Nagging thoughts of insecurity have become increasingly persistent. ("He's bored with me already. I'm too bossy; if I don't knock it off, he'll leave. What's he not telling me?") It feels like I'm in middle school again. I'm standing in the corner hoping I'm enough to stay at the party.
This is me demanding of myself to expunge all of that BS. These old voices who used to have control of my self perception are fighting for control again, and I refuse to let it happen. A little (or a lot) of change is not going to kill me. Self, stop acting like it will. It's going to make me stronger and more prone to love. I'm lovely and sexy and smart and not in the way the media says I should be. I have flawed skin and a poochy belly. I like that because I like me. I like me whether I'm married or not. He has nothing to do with my self worth. And if by some eventuality he left, I'd be fine. I'd make my way through that too - intact and fabulous.
I insist that the negative, doubtful thoughts about myself stop right here. They are false. All self sabotage ends right now. I reclaim my power.
For the record- there's NO WAY I'm leaving. You couldn't get me to if you wanted. Wait...that doesn't sound right... anyway- you are a beautiful, strong woman, and all of the things that attracted me to you are only stronger. The self-doubt needs to go; its taking up to much of my space!
ReplyDeleteI love you.
DeleteI read this and felt so validated and I felt I should do a little validating too. :) Going from me to we seems to be a bit of an identity crisis. I struggled with the same thing, especially after being so used to being an independent, single woman. I love the thought of reclaim my power. I going to steal that last sentence from you and incorporate it.
ReplyDeleteI am glad to be validated. I sometimes feel so weird for not being all bliss and over confidence because I finally got what we were all (supposedly) waiting for.
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