The name question

Now that I'm back to work, I keep getting the question, "So what is your new last name?" And it still makes me cringe inside.

I'm not in love with the idea of changing my name. I have decided to, and I will explain why. But I have come back to this question over and over again. Just as The Mr. would think I'd made up my mind, I would bring it up to discuss again. And it's really the only issue he's ever had an opinion on. He would let me do what I wanted of course, but he prefers that I change it. I think he intellectually understands why I resist, but he has never been convinced. And I guess I don't fully understand why he wants me to change it.

Here is, in essence, why I think I resist. I think it's stupid. It's a stupid tradition passed down from a partiarchal system where men were superior. And I know that sounds all feministy, but that's what I think. I'm still me, his name or mine. There are cultures where women simply keep the name they were given for their whole lives, no matter who they marry, and it works fine.

I have been this name for 31 years. It has been a defining part of who I am in my career and who I've become as a woman. And, frankly, I really like me. I like what I've accomplished and done with that name. And I think that's the crux of it. I did not get married to suddenly be happy or to change my life. I got married in addition to everything I had already created. And I'm proud of what I created. I ran 4 marathons and earned 3 degrees with that name. Why should I have to give it up?

I read The Conscious Bride by Sheryl Paul, and she discusses that whether a woman changes her name or not, she needs to deal with the fact that her identity is changing. She is going from single woman to half of a partnership. Paul discusses how marriage is a rite of passage and a bride needs to deal with the enormity of what that means. Your identity is changing. You are no longer just yourself. That softened me.

I've known too many women who gave themselves (and their names) to a man, only to be without that man later. But that's a fear-based reason to make a decision, isn't it? My intention is to work like hell for this marriage to be a happy, loving one. I believe both of us are committed to that. And I do want to be a partnership with him - one where I carry my stuff and he carries his - but where we're together in beliefs and goals. Couldn't sharing a name with him symbolize that? (And then my brain wonders, "Why his name?" because my brain never. shuts. off.)

Anyway, I was looking at some family history. I was looking at the people who make my past and I realized that in the future, my name is all that's left. And I want to be connected to the Mr. when my children look back. And I can still keep my maiden name as a middle name. I don't have to lose one thing to gain another.

So I decided to change it. I'm still dragging my feet some. I'm going to wait for after taxes with the government and then I'm waiting for next school year to change it officially at school. And my middle name will remain a part of my signature. In the end, I guess it's another act of faith to be fully in this with him.

After all, what's in a name? A rose by any other name yada yada yada.