I need to talk these feelings out....

so forgive me. Move on if you don't want all this emotion laid before you.

Last night a stranger on FB made a judgey comment in response to a flippant comment I made about having step kids. You see, this weekend I was really hoping to go the Festival of Colors. This weekend last year is where I really started falling hard for The Mister and I think I was hoping we could make it a tradition or something. We've been talking about it for months, but we didn't clear it with the ex wife, which was our bad. And so suddenly we find that there is another dance competition but she doesn't want the kids the whole day and blah blah blah. Basically, we're not going. And I'm disappointed, but what am I going to do? Like so often lately, my schedule is at the mercy of 4 other people who usually take precedence.

Anyway, this person's judgey comment triggered all of my internal conflict. All the guilt I feel about missing my life before or sometimes wishing I had more time to myself to recharge. All the anxiety I feel about not knowing how to balance my schedule, time, and energy better in this new life. All the panic I feel about wanting to be a good stepmom but never really being sure how to do that. All the fatigue I feel about the never-ending parade of people (and animal) who need/want something from me. This last week while I was putting together the yearbook for my school, I was also trying to spend time with my little brother who is about to go to New Zealand for two years, while also trying to be a good wife and step mom. I went straight from a week of work into a weekend of work. We hauled three kids and dog to a dance competion and then across a state line and back within 24 hours admist their fighting and need for attention.

I feel guilty that I feel any of this negative emotion at all. I have an amazing husband - a blessing I truly didn't think would ever happen. And that I wanted. He tells me no less than 10 times a day that he loves me. I have the kind of husband who, when I fall apart in chest ridden sobs last night, he just gently nudges me toward his lap and holds me while I fall apart. And he says what I need and doesn't stop until I'm okay again. Shouldn't I just be never-ending grateful for him? Because I am.

The girls love their dad and don't get to be with him as often as they'd like. So we both feel guilty when we ask for a weekend off to just be us. They're important and we want them to know that. But it's also difficult to be newly married and never have just one day in a week where it's just us.

I took a lot on. I knew it when I married him. I don't know how to be me in this new life yet. I'm stuck swirling in the middle of massive transition with no end in sight.

I am grateful. While my life before was safe, predictable, and free - it also didn't have such opportunities for personal growth over my own selfishness. And I recognize that that is the source of a lot of my struggle right now. I have been selfish and perfectionistic for a looooong time. And those traits enabled me to do a lot for myself. But I think it's time in my path for me to grow beyond those limits. To learn more about love and how to truly love others in every possible way. To learn to truly let go and trust.

I think I'm just not sure yet how to balance what I learned before my marriage about loving and taking care of self with the great demands that others have in a family.

The other day, my yoga teacher's fb status said something like "Worrying is the perfect way to bring about exactly what you don't want." I believe that. That our thoughts have power and we create out lives with them. It occurred to me recently that I don't think I've completely let go of my old life. I think I'm still clinging to the patterns and ways I knew before instead of searching out new ones. And that will get me nowhere fast. I want to move away from all of the fear I know is running me right now and move toward gratitude, peace, and light. But what does that even mean in every day life?

My hope is that by acknowledging all of this conflict within, I can leave it behind and find a new way to do life. Because that is what is before me. And it's what I want.