See, here's the thing...

I can see you sitting there, reading my blog. You're on your phone or sitting at your computer silently reading the drivel I write about my life. That's why I'm not writing. I want to. I feel better when I'm writing. But I feel exceedingly vulnerable in my life.  And just as I think I might be getting the hang of it, I melt down again.

If I didn't care what you thought, here's what I'd tell you:

I am completely, 125% in love with my husband.  I feel consistently in awe that I got so lucky in him. Despite this, I am at times the ragey, impatient, awful wife I always told myself I wouldn't be.

We have a great working relationship with the girls' mom and I will always be grateful for her. I still don't always know how to act and be around her.  I hate feeling like I'm 12 again.

My social anxiety has increased exponentially since we moved.  I constantly wonder what other people are thinking or what they've heard about me since thats where his ex has lived most of her life.  

Being a stepmom is, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done.  I make most of the sacrifices a real mom does without being able to really set up a lot of the rules or expectations for their behavior.  I'm constantly wondering where exactly I fit.

Being the child of a divorce makes that more emotionally sticky.  I want them to have a positive childhood and relationship with their father so badly, I can't really type that without getting teary.  I don't ultimately matter as much as that does.  And that feels weird sometimes.

I wish I was better at being chill. It would be nice to not be so hard and demanding of myself.  I protect myself from failure with a constant veil of fear.  I feel in constant need of a vacation because I'm nearly always living at my breaking point.

I have never been so sure that I was doing exactly what I'm supposed to and learning what I'm meant to - even when its hard.  I always feel a little lost.  I take one step at a time one day at a time. And I need help. 

So I'm going to write more.  If you are willing to support me, keep reading.  I need you.  If you're gonna judge me about how I'm handling my transition to my life, buzz off.  And I'm saying that to the voices in my head too.  I get to do this my way: messy, imperfectly,  and with a whole lot of heart.