I can see you sitting there, reading my blog. You're on your phone or sitting at your computer silently reading the drivel I write about my life. That's why I'm not writing. I want to. I feel better when I'm writing. But I feel exceedingly vulnerable in my life. And just as I think I might be getting the hang of it, I melt down again.
If I didn't care what you thought, here's what I'd tell you:
I am completely, 125% in love with my husband. I feel consistently in awe that I got so lucky in him. Despite this, I am at times the ragey, impatient, awful wife I always told myself I wouldn't be.
We have a great working relationship with the girls' mom and I will always be grateful for her. I still don't always know how to act and be around her. I hate feeling like I'm 12 again.
My social anxiety has increased exponentially since we moved. I constantly wonder what other people are thinking or what they've heard about me since thats where his ex has lived most of her life.
Being a stepmom is, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done. I make most of the sacrifices a real mom does without being able to really set up a lot of the rules or expectations for their behavior. I'm constantly wondering where exactly I fit.
Being the child of a divorce makes that more emotionally sticky. I want them to have a positive childhood and relationship with their father so badly, I can't really type that without getting teary. I don't ultimately matter as much as that does. And that feels weird sometimes.
I wish I was better at being chill. It would be nice to not be so hard and demanding of myself. I protect myself from failure with a constant veil of fear. I feel in constant need of a vacation because I'm nearly always living at my breaking point.
I have never been so sure that I was doing exactly what I'm supposed to and learning what I'm meant to - even when its hard. I always feel a little lost. I take one step at a time one day at a time. And I need help.
So I'm going to write more. If you are willing to support me, keep reading. I need you. If you're gonna judge me about how I'm handling my transition to my life, buzz off. And I'm saying that to the voices in my head too. I get to do this my way: messy, imperfectly, and with a whole lot of heart.
brave brave brave
ReplyDeleteI admire you so much.
Seriously.
Thanks. That's not how it feels, but thanks. You're one of the major reasons I haven't gone bonkers yet.
DeleteYou, my dear, are an amazingly beautiful woman, inside and out.
ReplyDeletexox
Ditto, fellow step-mom. :)
DeleteI love reading your blog. I think you are cool.
ReplyDelete